She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee
Her dress has got a tear
She waltzes on her way to mass
And whistles on the stair
And underneath her wimple, she has curlers in her hair!
Maria's not an asset to the abbey!

She's always late for chapel
But her penitence is real
She's always late for everything
Except for every meal!
I hate to have to say it, but I very firmly feel,
Maria's not an asset to the abbey!

I'd like to say a word in her behalf
Maria makes me laugh!

How do you solve a problem like Maria
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibberty-gibbet
A will o' the wisp
A clown!
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she'd ought to understand!
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say?
How do you keep a wave upon the sand?
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

When I'm with her, I'm confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly where I am!
Unpredictable as weather
She's as flighty as a feather
She's a darling
She's a demon
She's a lamb
She'd out-pester any pest
Drive a hornet from his nest
She could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl
She is gentle, she is wild
She's a riddle, she's a child
She's a headache, she's an angel
She's a girl!

How do you solve a problem like Maria
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibberty-gibbet
A will o' the wisp
A clown!
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she'd ought to understand!
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say?
How do you keep a wave upon the sand?
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?